Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
