can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
