Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
