You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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