Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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