If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
