Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
