nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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