I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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