would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
