Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
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