Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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