i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
