I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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