My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
