Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
