i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I am midnight drunk by noon
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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