He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
