I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
