Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize