I heard we made out
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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