I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
