Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Someone came in the potted fern
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
