I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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