The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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