I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize