booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
