Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
