I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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