saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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