I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Dicks are not precious.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
