I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
