My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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