You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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