am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
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