so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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