the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She bit a glass in half.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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