make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize