yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
she told me i tasted like america
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
