You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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