Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
