Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
