i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
