now i know why i became what i already was.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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