I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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