Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize