if you like me you must not know who I am
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
