I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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