Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
