Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
