bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
