Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
