my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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