I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
