I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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