you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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