broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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